Letting go

Hold on to your seats, this one is a long one….I have LOTS to say. 😊

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air…..oh wait, wrong story. 😆 Now that song will be stuck in your head all day long…you’re welcome. Hotel California is an awesome song! 🎶

I have mentioned before that I love learning about different cultures, beliefs, traditions, customs, and values. While I was in the Marine Corps, I was able to visit different countries and took the opportunity to immerse myself within the cultures there. Well, as best as I could given my situation. I have not been able to travel outside of the country because of COVID-19, so I thought I’d start visiting different cultures within our my country. I have a friend who belongs to the Apsáalooke tribe, also known as the Crow tribe, in Montana and asked if I could visit her reservation. Back in August I attended their Crow Fair and Powwow; I learned a lot about the culture and traditions. I decided to make a big road trip since it was such a long drive. The trip ended up being one that I will always remember!

Bake and I started the trip with a bang! We wrote a contract to build a house!! 😱 🏡 Something I never thought I would be able to do on my own! We hit the road and headed towards Montana immediately after we signed the contract. 🚙 We took our time getting there and made several stops along the way. We stopped to see Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse Mountain. I had many mixed feelings about visiting Mount Rushmore because of its controversial history. I decided that I would still visit the historical site but I would say a prayer for the Native American’s from which the land was stolen. Although smaller than expected, it was still very marvelous and impressive to see such work carved into granite. However, I was also very sad to know such an amazing monument was carved into a sacred native site.

We spent a few days in Crow Agency, MT and participated in the Crow Fair and Powwow. We then spent a few days in Kansas City then ended our trip with a Chris Stapleton concert in Atlanta, GA. It was a wonderful trip with lots of introspection and reflection.

During my trip, I realized I must learn to live with and accept the dark side of me. That part will not go away, it’s a part of who I am; multiple traumas made that happen. It’s the part of me that has controlled my entire life. Trauma has made me believe many things: I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m not in control of my life, I’m disposable, and so many more negative things. Logically I know these things are not true, but emotionally I absolutely believe them…to my core! Throughout my healing process I am learning to believe more positive things about myself; I am letting go of the negative thoughts my trauma has made me believe.

I was 5 years old when my first traumatic event happened. Trauma has controlled my life for so long, I don’t know what life without it looks like. Taking control of my life and not allowing the trauma to control it sounds easy, but in reality it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. It’s like being 18 leaving home and living on your own for the first time. You feel optimistic and hopeful…but also lost. You feel like you want to be in control of your life but just don’t know how. You need direction. Therapy (lots of therapy) is providing me with that direction. Love, compassion, understanding, and kindness from my friends and from myself is creating an environment where I feel comfortable enough to take control of my life.

There are so many days when I just feel lost, empty, and out of control of things. Only to turn around and get a supportive text or phone call from a friend. I will continue to stumble and fall during my healing process, but I’m beginning to realize that everyone stumbles throughout life…even without trauma. I am learning to give myself more credit for the mountains of progress that I have made. I realize I have taken control of my life; there are many days when my trauma and I fight, but I am winning more than my trauma wins these days.

Life is scary when you’ve been traumatized, especially when you have multiple traumas and 40 years of some type of abuse. Letting go of all the negativity trauma has put in your life is scary too. In order to let the negative go, you have to fill the void with positive experiences. But that means you have to let your guard down and expose yourself to people and situations and hope the experience is positive. That is the hard part of living with trauma, putting yourself in a vulnerable situation in hopes the experience is positive and doesn’t end up reinforcing the negative beliefs brought on by trauma. But I’m doing it, I’m putting myself out there, I’m slowly replacing those negative experiences with positive ones…and you can too!

Be patient, kind, and compassionate with yourself. Don’t just survive trauma, don’t let traumatic believes hold you back and live life without passion…..thrive and live life with purpose! Surround yourself with a loving and supportive group of positive people. Put in the hard work and live your best life. It will be the hardest thing you have done in your life, but the reward of living the life you want is worth it. It will take time, but just keep moving working and don’t give up! 😊

I want to give a special thanks to Calley Cloud and her family for taking me in and teaching me so much! You truly made me feel welcome! 💗