ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance…. Acceptance of my multiple traumas, acceptance of bad shit happening in the world, acceptance of views that contradict my moral values and beliefs, and acceptance of my imperfect self is something I’ve struggled with, fought with, repressed, and minimized my entire life! I am realizing that many people struggle with acceptance and it is not just limited to me or people who have experienced trauma.

Acceptance does not mean you have to approve of something; rather, it means acknowledging the current state of something. You don’t have to agree with something to accept the fact that it’s true in the moment, at least true to you. The thing about acceptance that most people don’t understand is that you can accept a situation for what it is in the moment and still do something to help change a situation. Learning to accept and embrace my trauma has helped me take control of it instead of it controlling me. That doesn’t mean I don’t take steps to change things in order to heal myself; rather I am accepting how things are in the moment, without judgement or expectation.

I have always said “words mean things”…ummm, duh!…. 😆 What I mean by that is words hurt or impact things greatly. In my opinion, words can do more harm (or good) than actions in most situations. The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is very inaccurate!! Physical wounds will eventually heal, but the effects from emotional wounds will remain until confronted, acknowledged, and resolved in a healthy manner. I am adding this information because I want to expand on replacing some words that may have a negative impact on you; and it may be keeping you stuck in certain thought processes.

Defusing from thoughts that are unhelpful in a situation is something I am learning to do; which is helping me accept things more freely. It is allowing me to realize that I actually cannot control most situations; but I can control how I react to it. When I come across a stressful situation or obsessive thoughts, I am learning to admit “I am having the thought that….” or “I notice that I am thinking….”. I then ask myself “Is this way of thinking helpful or harmful?” If the thinking is helpful then I pay attention to it, if it’s harmful I defuse from it.

Defusing is different and separate from detaching. Defusing is to untangle from something; I still recognize the situation and thoughts, but I attempt to untangle my thoughts from the situation. For example: I am someone who needed everyone to like me, if they did not then I felt like something was wrong with me, I felt worthless; that was my reality, not being liked equated to being worthless or rejected. Now I can defuse, or untangle, my thoughts from the situation to create a new and healthy reality that is not controlled by my trauma. In this situation, someone not wanting to be my friend can simply be just that; not everyone has the same interests, hobbies, or morals and values, and that is okay. I am able to untangle my traumatic thoughts and beliefs of “I am being rejected or I am worthless”, to recognize that it’s not personal. It simply means we don’t have much in common to do or talk about in order to be friends. Detaching from the situation means I am allowing my traumatic thoughts to take over and I make myself emotionally numb; I am refusing to recognize and accept a situation for what it actually is.

I’ve started to change some of the words and phrases in my vocabulary that I notice my trauma has given power to. One word that holds a lot of power for me is victim; I would tell people I was a victim or survivor of multiple sexual assaults and sexual harrassement. Once I defused from the situation, I realized that the word victim, to me, indicated I was never able to regain the power and control those people took from me. I replaced the word “victim” with “victimized” and I was able to see my traumatic events differently. I was able to take back my power and control from my trauma. I also replaced the phrase “I’m telling on myself” with “I’m asking for support”. When my depression and anxiety start to control my life I will call my support system and tell them “I’m telling on myself. My depression/anxiety is starting to take over.” The phrase “I’m telling on myself” indicates that I am doing something wrong, when in reality I am doing something right by recognizing my depression/anxiety…which are good healthy coping skills. I now contact my support system and state “I am asking for support.” when needed. This allows me to specifically ask for what I need from my support system.

I write all of this to challenge you to start accepting things in your life instead of fighting, denying, or detaching from them; regardless if it’s caused by trauma. Evaluate things and defuse your thoughts from the situation. What words hold more destructive or negative power than they should for you? What can you replace them with? At the end of the day know that most people struggle with acceptance, regardless if they have experienced trauma or not.

Bake is teaching me so much about acceptance! He doesn’t always like what is happening or what I’m doing, but he always accepts it! He lives in the moment and doesn’t allow his past or future to control his current situation. I’m taking a page out of Bake’s book and adding it to mine. I’m making a daily effort to live in the moment; and when I cannot, I am trying to accept things for what they are and defuse the thoughts that are not helpful.