My intent with this blog and coming home with Bake after training….

My intent for this blog

Okay, I’d like to start off by apologizing for not posting a blog like I intended to. My intent was to post a new blog every Monday talking about the adventures Bake and I had experienced during the previous week. I decided to create this blog not only to talk about how wonderful Bake is as a service dog and as a partner in my life, or to help others who are suffering in silence from PTSD, military sexual trauma, depression, and anxiety; I decided to create it to help keep me active, get out more, and experience life without seclusion or isolation. We who suffer from trauma and mental illness often isolate. I isolate because so many people see me smiling and happy most of the time I don’t want the world to see my darker side, my depressed side, my side with super high anxiety, my side with PTSD triggers, my side that wished I would go to sleep and never wake up. I wear a mask daily so others do not see my pain, and so I can pretend that I don’t suffer from mental illness. I will not speak for others who suffer in silence as I do, however I will refer to statistical data and assume others who isolate do so for similar reasons. I say “we” when talking about living with mental illness, whatever the cause (i.e. trauma or other causes), because it is such a lonely experience and I want others to understand how “we” feel. I use the term “we” very loosely, not all of those who suffer from mental illness experience the same symptoms. We isolate so we can cry or be depressed without explaining “why” to others; so we don’t have to hear “just smile”, “just think positive thoughts”, “don’t worry about the past, be in the present more”, or “you have such a good life, be thankful for what you have”. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD triggers are so much more than just being sad, so much more than just being anxious, and so much more than just being bothered by things (our triggers). These feelings, emotions, and beliefs are a part of us, a part of our personality, a part of our soul. Suffering in silence from invisible wounds is honestly a daily struggle; something we feel as though we are the only ones who are suffering, even though we know we are not. Suffering from these symptoms is not something we choose, it is quite literally a chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you saw someone walking down the street who had a physical disability, would you say to them “why don’t you just make your legs work so you can walk”, “just make your right arm grow longer so it is the same length as your left”, “just think positive thoughts and your eyes will allow you to see”, or “just listen harder and you will hear better”? I think not. So why then do people often recommend that those who suffer from PTSD, depression, and anxiety just “cheer up”, “just calm down”, “don’t think about that”, “just focus on this”? Or better yet “why are you always so sad”, “why are you always so angry”, “why are you always so edgy”, “why can’t you just stop thinking about that and move on”, “my friend was [traumatized] and that doesn’t bother them”. These questions and or statements only remind us of how society interprets mental illness symptoms. It reminds us that others are uncomfortable with our symptoms as well and makes us work harder to hide them from the world. We should not have to do that. What we need is compassion, empathy, and people to just be there for us even if they do not understand. Hell…..I will tell you I suffer from these symptoms and don’t understand them 90% of the time myself! 😊 Sometimes we just need someone to ask us what can they do to help us through the day. Someone to kick us in the fanny and make us get out of the house and socialize. Someone to just sit and have a morning cup of coffee or an evening cup of tea and just be silent. Someone to makes the effort to show they care and accepts us just the way we are.

I’ve talked long enough about mental illness for now. The last thing I would like to say is to those who suffer with me…. I see you, I know you, I understand you, I AM you! I am here for you!!! To those reading this blog… thank you for listening!🥰. To Bake, thank you for saving my life! 😘🐕‍🦺

Coming home with Bake

So I was totally nervous after graduating from the K9s for Warriors training. I knew my life with a service dog was just beginning and it was terrifying! It was terrifying for so many reasons: 1) I knew I would have to get out and socialize more, that was one of the many reasons for getting a service dog, 2) not many people understand the difference between a service dog, therapy dog and emotional support dog and I did not want to experience confrontation about taking Bake anywhere, 3) Bake is a constant reminder of my PTSD, anxiety and depression symptoms, and 4) I didn’t realize this one until I went through the training….Bake brings on so much unwanted attention and questions from strangers! For a person who isolates and tries to be invisible, having a service dog is very difficult! Don’t get me wrong, Bake is the greatest thing and I truly believe he has saved my life! However…. every single time I take him out, I get looks, stares, questions, and attention. Someone who has experienced multiple sexual assaults completely hates attention, especially unwanted attention! But he has been so good for me.

Our first outing after I brought Bake home was to a local pizza restaurant. I took us on a “date”. 😆 I had the best experience with our server. She had experienced serving others with service dogs so she knew not to talk to him, make eye contact with him, or distract him in any way. She did not even acknowledge him. She asked questions that were not too intrusive, such as “What is your service dog for?”. Her focus was on me as the customer and we had small talk about dogs in general. I wish I could let her know how much confidence that experience gave me. It was my first time having lunch alone without my fellow Warrior Sisters or the K9s for Warriors trainers around for any type of support. She eased my worries and gave me the confidence I needed to know I was going to be okay.

I was also nervous about how Bake was going to act. He is an extremely intelligent dog and knows I don’t really know what the heck I’m doing. 😆 He is just like a toddler in that he is always trying to see what I will allow him to get away with. But that day, and everyday since, Bake has been awesome when wearing his service vest! We are just bonding on such an emotional level; I swear the boy can read me!

Lessons learned from coming home with a service dog. Service dogs are not pets! Their socializing needs to be limited, regardless of how much you just want them to play with other dogs and other people. I’m not saying this has to be forever, but for now, I cannot allow Bake to play too much. From what I have experienced so far, if I allow him to play too often, he does not listen when we go out. He tries to “make a friend” (one of the commands he was taught) with other people and dogs. I have decided that he will only be able to play with other dogs while in the dog park. This may change after I have had him for a while, but for now, I have to be strict.

Since arriving back home, I have gotten out so much more. I actually socialize more now, during COVID-19, than I did prior to. 😷 😆 I have gotten better about ignoring the unwanted attention and not allowing others to talk to Bake while he is working. On a good note, I have gotten so much better and more comfortable talking to strangers. I will always remember what Adam, one of the K9s Warrior Trainers, said to me about rushing because I was so nervous and worrying about everyone else. He said, “Just focus you and Bake and not anyone else. It’s just about you, they can wait on you.” He was referring to taking more time while shopping and at the checkout line. Thanks so much for that Adam!! 😊 Yesterday I was in the grocery store and there were a lot of people in the produce section. Bake was taking up some space and a rude man who was trying to walk by said (under his breath) “can he move out of the way”. I simply said no and didn’t give him any more thought. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Before Bake and the training I would have obsessed over that experience, analyzed it and over-analyzed it until it shut me down emotionally. Yesterday, I chuckled as I left that area once I was done getting what I needed.

My life has changed for the positive in such a short time. I returned home with Bake on 24 July and the last (almost) seven weeks has been such an awesome adventure; I cannot wait to see what another seven will bring!